Hi, I'm Jep.
(That
should be entirely self-explanatory, but in case you're dense I'll keep
going. At least you now know that "Jep" is a proper noun of some sort
that can be referred to in the first person, and that there exists someone or something associated with the name.)
...I'm a
manglingly eclectic artist and armchair psychologist and philosopher.
Jep isn't my real name. Jep isn't my stage name. Jep isn't my
nickname, or my legally changed name, or my RPG warrior or paladin
character's name. It isn't a nailed down, or fleshed out, or mass
marketed name. It isn't my federal agent alias (or so they tell me to
deny). It isn't my O/S, or the southern state of mind of Nebraska, or
even a word so dull and bland as to beg for an infinite list of things
it is not. (Okay, maybe the latter.) Jep is my average name.
That's not to say that I have an above average or below average name
as well, it simply means that "Jep" is a carefully calculated phonetic
balance of most of my prime personae / alter egos. Hence you may call
me "Jep" at any time at all in any situation and be almost totally sure
it will be a sort- of- appropriate- but- not- quite- entirely- accurate
thing to call me. (Except for the fact that it's not my name.) It's
sort of like the {Marshal Mathers / Eminem / Slim Shady} trio, except
I'm narcisistic and ADHD enough to boast more than three alter egos.
The 7 names/personae I phonetically averaged to get "Jep" are these 7
(hence "Jep7"):
1/ Chris--
This is my real first name. Until now this has been an astronomical
secret. Half of my friends don't know my real name, and if anyone ever
investigates and finds out, they usually forget it eventually anyway.
Some may fall into a subliminal coma with this paragraph flashing in
their heads, and still, they'll awaken and completely forget that my
name is Chris. I'm revealing it now for two reasons, A) To make this
whole "Jep" name thing less confusing and easier to understand. B) To
make this whole "Jep" name thing more confusing and harder to
understand.
2/ Squish-- This
is my main nickname, my comedy stage name, my main online alias, and
the thing most non-family generally know me as and call me. It would
have sufficed just fine for the rest of my life if I hadn't A) been
born ADHD and nauseatingly versatile, and B) got bored and sat down
with a pen one day and came up with "Jep". Squish has always been my
"fun" name, my silly name, the one that makes people laugh whenever
they first meet me or hear it, and the guy who makes people crack up on
stage on open mic nights or on a comedy album or website. Of course,
since it's mean to laugh at people, I would rather not solely be known
as Squish. Besides, bipolars are depressed people as well as happy
people, and parading around as happy all the time is just plain
fraudulant. (See Squish7.com)
3/ Riff-- This
is my serious acoustic folk/rock musician name. I don't perform as
Riff much because I can't sing for shit and have hence stuck with
comedy all these years. I've often thought that my heart is in deep, serious,
mellow/hard acoustic rock more than comedy, but now my singing is even
worse having smoked for ten months (never ever ever smoke) and I'm even
more less able to sing now. However, I've started teaching guitar and
spending massive time on cover songs, which are two things that detract
from my voice (or at least any heavy reliance on it). E.g. while you
do have to sing your cover song, people are drawn to the guitar work
more if that's what's truly unique about your arrangement of the song
and what you spent work on. They also know how it's supposed
to sound, so maybe you're just the original artist having a bad voice
day. And of course, people are always going to want to learn your cover of the song they love which is another thing that eschews attention. Anyway, as I'm getting a
bit more professional and expanding my artwork niches, it's becoming less appropriate to use my
stage/nick name "Squish" for all my non-comedy music, and having a
Squish/Riff duality is confusing and unmarketable, so I figured
throwing in a third name to the set that doesn't even mean a damn thing would help unconvolute the two personae for everybody. (See video)
4/ Chad-- Chad's
my superstraight name. (I'm an ex-out homosexual
everfraudulantly bi-turning just-about-fully-out totally completely
straight male jock, constantly conflicted as to whether coming out or
going in was the bad idea.) Anyway, when I'm free to be myself as a
straight out heterosexual, my name is Chad. ...Well, except whenever I
actually want to maintain my straightness, for
the conversation: "Why Chad?" / "Well, Squish was too gay." / "So
you're gay?" / "No, I'm Chad", doesn't do wonders promoting my
normalcy. (A conversation of course in the ballpark of: "Why Jep?" /
"Well, Squish and Chad were too sexy.") (See pic)
5/ Kipf--
This is just some weird thing all the aliens and conspirators and
hyperdimensional talking wall fungi call me when I'm extra
schizophrenic, psychotic, tired, hallucinatory, delusional, and/or
enlightened. If I forget to take my meds for awhile, a conversation
akin to the following might occur: "Hey, Kipf... what the hell are you
doing?" / "Oh, just doing some phonetic work on my egos. How does
'Jep' sound?" / "Fuck 'Jep'. We named you Kipf. You're our dog, Kipf. A hamster doesn't get to name himself.
In fact people shouldn't name themselves either. Nicknames should
only come from friends who want to humiliate you or public media
defamation. You're Kipf, period." / "You're just jealous because your
own dog-hamster thought you up the plasma dorlpo trance radiator you
were too stupid to think up for yourself. Your pet has more brains than you, so
you'd rather demean me by calling me a Plutonian pet name than cough up
the money to lower my Dungeons & Dags INT stat." / "Bad Kipf." / "Go to hell, Bert."
6/ Artie-- hey
i'm artie. umm.. i don't think i'm supposed to be typing this here.
squish told me not to touch his webmaker thing but it's not really my
fault capo was being mean so i couldn't play guitar and i was just
bored. there's nothin to do in a one broom apartment. i wish i could go
somewhere else but chris doesn't let me out of the house. he said
people will think he's schizofrank or something and i don't know what
that means but there are a lot of words i know but i don't know what
they mean like relativitea or pedofill. i think squish is a pedofill
because he likes michael jackson and chris said michael jackson was a
pedofill but riff said that was all medium nonsense and then kipf's
friend was like whoooa where did you learn all those words artie did
chad tell you that and i told him no i was supposed to be asleep and i
heard. chad wouldn't play games with me except pong we played pong
once. chad likes girls and when i'm old enough i think i'll like
kristen bell. chad likes kristen bell but squish says kristen bell is a
lesbeen oh that's another word i don't know but i think that means
squish has mental problems or something i mean he's the schizofrank
really not chris. chris told me the word. um. projector. squish was
projector his emotional problems on kristen bell because he doesn't
like her but chad has this really hirez pic of her in his pron folder
nobody knows about but ah crap this is getting too long orbo how do i
turn off squish's webmaker? orbo? fruck more froa stack i gotta go bye
evrybody
7/ <N/A>-- No,
"N/A" isn't my 7th persona, this literally means that slot 7 is
non-applicable. either I have a 7th persona and don't want to let you
in on it, or I don't and just want to look forward to
one, or maybe I'm just throwing in a 7th for memorization, marketing,
or continuity purposes, since clearly this domain is Jep7,
and wouldn't it just suck to structure your whole personal marketing
strategy around a term that doesn't really have anything to do with you
except that it's sorta-near a term that does. Or, maybe it's Jep7
just because
it's a good transition from Squish7. Or maybe Artie can't count. Your guess is as good as mine.
Anyway,
I did some phonetic averaging of the first 5 and got "Jep" (or rather,
got a few key results and chose "Jep" rather than "Jerlp" or whatever
the other choices were), then recently I spent a half a day
re-averaging everything to include Artie (my personae are numbered
older to newer) and got a slew of close results including my top two
picks "Chet" and "Jet", but then I stuck with "Jep" anyway. Artie's
kinda pissed off about that, but hey, grow up, life sucks, right?
So, "Jep" is the average/fusion of my first 5/7 personae (the name that sounds the
most like each of them), in conjunction with a condensation of them spoken in order from
roughly when they each came about (Chris, Squish, Riff, Chad, Kipf).
So if you say ChrisSquishRiffChadKipf, a close
single-syllable phonetic substitute is "Jep", and "Jep" is also a close
average of the 5 ("Jep" sounds like "Chris" a little... and sounds like
"Squish" a little... and "Riff" a little... etc, and on average
sounds more like each one than almost any word you'll find; for
instance, "ostrich" or "zoo" wouldn't do at all). The reason
"Jep" isn't the best average of them--or the
best sounding word that sounds like ChrisSquishRiffChadKipf when said
really fast--is because the best word for each of those two were averaged to get Jep.
(I don't remember any of the details or derivation of "Jep" off hand,
but I did save the second set of scrap notes that I might post to give
you a hint of what the hell I'm talking about.) Anyway, here are a few
reasons why I chose "Jep" over any other choices (including ones including Artie which he's still annoyed about).
1. "Jep" is short. I
switched from squishfordummies.com from squish7.com because the former
was too convoluted to type. Type "squish7" on your keyboard.
It's short, can be typed fast, and it's pretty memorable and
easy to look at. But "jep7" is even shorter. It's a four
letter domain; and if you think the extra four letters don't matter
much, go ahead and add up the seconds I spend typing my domain name
per year (and making typos), and you'll get a significant figure. Even if only
15 minutes, that demonstrates massive time that's saved for my
collective 7-septillion fans. (I've always hated the
"www" prefix because it's in front of most webpages, and you have to
say "double-yoo double-yoo double-yoo" for a three letter word.
Why not just say "world wide web"?) Pretty soon with
technology we'll just be able to think to each other, so why shouldn't the speed we type website urls in get faster as time goes on to prepare?
2. "Jep"
just about almost sounds like a real life name, so if I just append
some type of last name to this, I can get away with submitting a piece
of my work to a sophisticated publishing company or magazine with a pen
name (like "Jep Johnson". In fact I googled the name and someone came
up who's legal name it was.) And yet, Jep's odd enough to be a
single unique stage name like "Squish" or "Sting" or "Fabio".
3. "Jep"
is ambiguous and multi-purpose. I.e. if the average of my
personae came out "lardbutt" that would just plain suck. In fact
when I do these averages I often get many different similar
results; I might get a Chinese sounding name as one
possibility, and another way, I might come out last week's happy
meal toy.
As Jep
is my average catch-all name, so did I figure why not lump all my
online projects together and associate them. (I write up online
projects like construction paper drawings that each might be made into
an art museum if I had the time and money and motive and diligence.)
Hence any project/etc I have will be <project>.jep7.com, which
will generally either be hosted here, or redirect you to another domain
(or visa versa). There are also other projects I'm involved
in that aren't necessarily started, maintained, or hosted by me. For
instance, since the Xangles project is nauseatingly eclectic, then from
one one "xangle" (as they say) you can suppose that all the projects
I'm involved in are all actually just mine with a farce of being bigger
than myself. So from that xangle/whatever, you can think of any
<project> in <project>.jep7.com as either one of my own,
and/or one of someone else's hosted here, and/or just a link to a
project that has little to do with me that I'm just linking to just to
support it or whatever. The world may never know.
My
main site
is/was Squish7.com, so please bear with me in the infinitely long
process of updating / re-writing / re-linking / re-structuring the
equivalent of 3 novels of jep7/etc material (goodbye 1.3
million hits a
year!). For the moment (perhaps indefinitely), I'll call Squish7
a
"Jep7 project", so that Squish7 will now be the website of my
comical ego Squish rather than "my main website" (which it still sort
of is, because all Jep7 is right now is this bottomless page of black
text
and a link to my other projects or ones I deal with). But as I
always say, check back check back check back, because you never know
when one of me will have an enlightened manic breakdown and post the
next best thing since Microsoft. You can keep up with my most active current work at Frangles.com/updates. |
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